Really good article in the guardian passed on by a friend. A lot of what he says I agree with including enjoying the mania. A good read. Click here
Low mood, it just sucks doesn’t it? I am finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that having depression means being sad. This is not something I want in my everyday, who does? This is not me, I’m shiny, happy Mimi! I guess when the meds even out I’ll feel different. I feel heavy. I am struggling to have much oomph in the every day. I have had a few days when Munchie has been at school in which I have gone back to bed for a couple of hours. Hardly inspirational! Some days I make yoga, some days not. It’s quite an uphill struggle. I do find joy in the every day so I’m sure it definitely could be worse. Munchie and AJ make me smile daily as does the ‘only fools and horses’ box set I got for Christmas! We’ve had a ton of snow and sledging has been a blast. I think it’s when I’m on my own that it’s the hardest to be inspired to do anything much. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmingly tired. I have started to set small targets each day. If I make the targets too big, as I have done on a couple of occasions, I come away upset, frustrated and some tears were shed.
When I had my last serious episode back in December I took lots of notes as a coping mechanism. I have just started to type them up. I’ll let you know if anything inspiring comes out of the exercise.
I’m currently a bit stuck under a dark cloud. I had a severe episode almost two months ago and I’m working with new medication at different levels. Some days I just haven’t got the enthusiasm to get out of bed. I’m not a morning person anyway but these meds make me not only not a morning person but not an evening person either! I’m ready for bed by nine pm! I have had to face up to the fact that I will always need a level of medication, which really as a self-confessed beacon for mental health, shouldn’t be a problem. However, at the end of 2013 with the guidance of a psychiatrist, I decided to go meds free. Madness! I was well and yes, a lot less foggy, but I ended up having a huge meltdown just before Christmas 2014. Not nice for anyone close to me or for me. Being ill pulls me in all different directions emotionally; I feel sad, angry, guilty (don’t ask!), a whole whirlwind of emotions. As well as being on Olanzapine I am also taking Depakote which has a very high risk of causing birth defects so I had to sign a waiver saying I would not try for another baby at this time. This has made me think a lot about my long term family goals and whether or not to have any more children. I want to be the best mother and wife and person I can be, so for now I will just be working on being well and stable. Today has been a good day as I made it to yoga 101 and did some chores around the house. I find small tasks help me keep focussed throughout the day.
Sometimes, I think, we hold ourselves back from doing things we enjoy. Take blogging for instance. I love writing on here but I don’t want to do it when I’m low or tired. Perhaps though, that is exactly when I should do it. It lessens the load and lightens me up. Today is me first day alone back home after our extended trip to England. AJ has finally been able to get in to the office, by hook and by crook, and Munchie is at preschool. I dropped her off and came home to a sink full of dishes to wash up and two tonnes of laundry to decipher. I decided to concentrate first on some paperwork I had hanging over my head. A big part of me was trying to draw me back to bed, but I dove in to the paperwork and feel better for it. It is bright sunshine outside, reflecting off the white snow. With the dishes still in the sink I turned up my radio app and grooved around my kitchen, it felt gooooood. The ‘glum drop’ as I now wish to call it has lifted somewhat. I’m meeting a friend for a stroll a bit later. The dishes are still soaking and the laundry awaits my attention….
Talk about out of the mouths of babes, eh? I am trying my hardest to meditate every day and although I know it sounds ridiculous and not the way you should look at it, some days I have to force myself to do it. So, I’ll either do it whilst I see Munchie is engrossed in a particular activity, having a bath under AJ’s supervision or has gone down to bed. She may then ask me; “Mummy, have you done your meditation?.” I really would believe it if somebody told me she’d been on this planet before. It’s the way she looks at me with concern and intrigue. Insightful too. I was thrilled a few evenings ago when the two of them came down from the bath and said they wanted to do two minutes of meditation with me. I felt so happy. I set the challenge up as follows: study a pencil for two minutes. No talking allowed. Think about the pencil only. Really it was about mindfulness. Munchie’s said pencil was pink with feathers at the end. I set the timer (actually for one minute, but hey, we’re beginners!). It was a success. Not a peep from anyone. I asked Munchie what she had thought about and she said she had imagined the pencil being a rocket. Wow!
On my journey to understand more and more about mental health I really want to help my daughter and husband understand the mind better. Baby steps will equal success.
I am pleased to report that I have just had a new post published on the awe-inspiring website www.stigmama.com
To read my new blog post, please click on this link
Really interesting debate on Radio 4 last Sunday.
Sometimes I feel so emotionally isolated, I feel like I am the only person/ mum who has to deal with all that life throws at you, as well as an intelligent, rambunctious 4yr old daughter. I feel so alone with my thoughts. It is so refreshing, when I speak out, to find that I am by no means alone. Every mother, father, person, has felt like me and hey, guess what? I am normal and so is my daughter! So too, are my thoughts, doubts, worries etc. I have my wonderful mum to thank for pointing that out to me.
Wow! Today has been a toughy! Who knew a four year old could be so challenging? Especially when you’re already on your knees. The most sleep I’ve got in one night over the last couple of weeks has been 5-6 hours and boy is it taking its toll. AJ was away on business but luckily I had the safety net of family nearby to pick up the slack. However, I have had two or three meltdowns based around getting said four year old’s shoes on. Ah well, such is life. The good news about today is that firstly, I caught up with one of my oldest friends and secondly, I discovered ‘chocolate meditation’! Result! You open up your favourite chocolate bar and hold it in your hand for three minutes, mindfully enjoying its creation. Buzzer goes off and BAM you eat the chocy and you reward yourself for squeezing in a bit of mindfulness! Bang goes the diet…!
I’ve been having a hard time lately and was delighted to find that one of my besties (sic!) had sent me a parcel of goodies. I savoured the opening of said parcel until Munchie was in bed and whilst AJ worked I opened it up slowly, enjoying every part of the experience. Kind of mindfulness I guess. I slowly undid the ribbons and carefully tore open the map of the world wrapping paper. Some super goodies were inside. I got so excited that I misread the tag and opened Munchie’s pressie too, oops! The accompanying card was a delight, a ‘misquote’ originally from Lisa Hammond:
“Sometimes on the way to ‘your’ dream, you get lost and find a better one.”
I love the sentiment.
Thank you Browny xxx