I’m currently a bit stuck under a dark cloud. I had a severe episode almost two months ago and I’m working with new medication at different levels. Some days I just haven’t got the enthusiasm to get out of bed. I’m not a morning person anyway but these meds make me not only not a morning person but not an evening person either! I’m ready for bed by nine pm! I have had to face up to the fact that I will always need a level of medication, which really as a self-confessed beacon for mental health, shouldn’t be a problem. However, at the end of 2013 with the guidance of a psychiatrist, I decided to go meds free. Madness! I was well and yes, a lot less foggy, but I ended up having a huge meltdown just before Christmas 2014. Not nice for anyone close to me or for me. Being ill pulls me in all different directions emotionally; I feel sad, angry, guilty (don’t ask!), a whole whirlwind of emotions. As well as being on Olanzapine I am also taking Depakote which has a very high risk of causing birth defects so I had to sign a waiver saying I would not try for another baby at this time. This has made me think a lot about my long term family goals and whether or not to have any more children. I want to be the best mother and wife and person I can be, so for now I will just be working on being well and stable. Today has been a good day as I made it to yoga 101 and did some chores around the house. I find small tasks help me keep focussed throughout the day.